My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
