Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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