So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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