your parents love me but you hate me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
