she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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