I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
