So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
