my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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