How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
