Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
