so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
