I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
