maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
