Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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