Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
