the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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