Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
