when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
