This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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