My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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