I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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