Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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