I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
