We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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