Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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