god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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