i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
