Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
