I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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