Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Randomize
