I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
