I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
