the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
