running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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