I will die if light touches me.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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