it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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