and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
