Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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