never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
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Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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