New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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