haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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