this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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