Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
