my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
