I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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