I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
