$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize