I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
