I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You took a bar mat shot.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Randomize
