i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
