You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
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