I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
