Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
