So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
high people should be assigned attendants
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
