Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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