if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you