I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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