Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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