I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
