Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
