Plan B is the new Plan A
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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