So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
