But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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