i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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