4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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