A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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