I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
