you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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