Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
